I seriously debated blogging about the following but...
now I've stepped back for a day or two, I think I can manage without offending anyone or being too emotional.
You see, I finished second in my RWA Chapter's annual contest the other day. But instead of being happy, I was upset. And mad. Yep, mad. Because I wanted to WIN!! But you know what made me even angrier? The fact I reacted in such a selfish and childish manner. Yep, human it may be, but still, at my age (almost 40) I should be able handle something like this in a far more grown-up manner. And a far more professional one.
Don't get me wrong - I congratulated the winner and resent her not at all. She deserved to win. She's a great writer. And, as it happens, her name is Teresa as well, so how can I hold it against her. She even spells it the right way!
BUT, but, I wanted to WIN!!! This is my fourth time in this contest and the third time I've finalled (2nd, 3rd, 2nd). It feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
It's so strange - I accept rejections better than this. Maybe because unlike rejections, which come from people I don't know, this feels personal. But just like anything else in the publishing industry, I have to remember (and was reminded by two good friends) that it WASN'T personal. It wasn't me who lost, it was my ms. The judges don't hate me. Hell, they don't even hate my ms. They just loved someone else's better.
So I'll chalk this up to experience and try not to beat myself up. While part of me wishes I could have been gracious immediately and smiled through my defeat, another part of me recognizes that as a writer I'm a very emotional person. I feel things very keenly. And bottling those feelings up doesn't do me or my writing any good. Don't get me wrong - I didn't pitch a fit or throw my scroll back at the judge. I just didn't appear too thrilled. And most members probably didn't even notice. Still, _I_ knew how I was feeling. Angry, upset, hurt and a little resentful. Very human emotions that we all experience from time to time when something we want is seemingly snatched from our grasp.
Now I'm going back to revising the ms. Did some more work on my timeline the other day and found I likely need a couple more scenes to round out the ms and fill in some gaps in the story. Only a few weeks left till National - my nose will have to hit the grindstone big time next week when my husband is back here in the office and I'm at home.
Currently Reading: Pandora's Breeches: Women, Science and Power in the Enlightenment by Patricia Fara
Link of the Day: History at Blue Web'n